A Summary of Today’s History Lesson

Andrew Jackson was a honey badger

Except that he was also a fucking doucebag

  • Ordered by the president to “terminate the conflict” in Florida during the First Seminole War? Andrew Jackson says fuck that and captures and burns his enemy’s homes to the ground. Then gets appointed governor of the land. 
  • John Quincy Adams won the election of 1824 unfairly? Jackson’s followers harass him through his entire presidency.
  • Inaugurations are a stuffy snob event? Jackson invites a shit-ton of commoners, gives them booze and lets them destroy the White House.
  • The Tariff of 1828 (the so called “Tariff of Abominations”) caused South Carolinians to call for secession? Andrew Jackson don’t care. Andrew Jackson threatens a military invasion unless they shut the fuck up.
  • The Supreme Court says that it’s totally illegal to force the Native Americans off their land? Jackson says “fuck you, let’s see you enforce that ruling” and then sends them all to their deaths in Oklahoma.
  • All his financial advisers warned against destroying the Bank of the United States? Jackson don’t give a shit. He does it anyway and leaves the mess for Martin Van Buren to clean up.
  • First assassination on a president in American history? Andrew Jackson laughs as he beats the attacker, armed with two guns, unconscious with his cane at the age of 66.

Basically, he should have been impeached the minute he stepped into office. He was there for eight years.

And then this fucker goes and gets his face on the twenty dollar bill.


I don’t know either.

Conclusion: Occasionally he did some cool stuff, but mostly this guy was a douchebag. His spirit animal is the honey badger. 

shared January 11, 2013 - 5 notes